A Lack of Talent
by Thief of Black Winged Hearts
Summary: Slightly crackish. What happens when Artemis gets caught singing in the shower? Blackmail, that's what!
1. Chapter 1

Okay, you people have my beta to thank for this one. We were talking about Artemis Fowl and how it's so awesome and the topic came up; what is Artemis actually bad at? I figured he would be a bad singer because he's so good at everything else. And then this plot bunny just popped into existence and I couldn't stop myself! Anyway, this was so much fun to write, so read and review people! Actually this is my first AF fanfic so tell me what you think.

I don't own anything that Eoin Colfer does, sadly enough. Boohoo!

This one's for you, rukiachan15!

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A Lack of Talent

"Artemis!" Holly shouted, cupping her hands so the sound could carry through the large, mostly empty house. "Arrrttteeeemmiiiiiiiss! Where in Frond's name are you?"

It was summertime in Ireland, a cause for celebration and relaxation. The Fowl family was currently spending their leisure time with various relaxation activities. Angeline was at a spa in Switzerland, currently being worked over in every way a human being could be. She had booked the spot at the world-renown spa six months in advance. Her parting words before she hopped on the plane to Artemis were, "I don't want to be disturbed unless the mansion burns down or one of your situations with your little friends comes up and you need to save the world again. Try to avoid any apocalypses while I'm gone!" With that, she had kissed Artemis on the cheek and boarded the plane, humming as she did so.

Artemis Senior and the twins were in the Carpathian Mountain spending some 'man time' away from the house. This included camping, fishing, and otherwise directly interacting with nature. When Artemis had been approached with an invitation, he had declined with as little disgust on his face as possible.

Butler and Juliet were away on a wrestling tour. It was Juliet's shot at the Ultimate Champion title, and Butler had gone to Mexico with her to cheer her on and strip the people betting against her of their money. After all, if they were betting against his sister they deserved what they had coming to them. Plus, after the last wrestling match had gone terribly awry, he wanted to make someone was there to watch her back, just in case. However, there had been just one problem. Who was going to guard Artemis while he was away? After all, there would be no one in the house, and an intruder could easily overpower his slight charge.

So Butler had called in (begged) some favors, and now Holly would be watching Artemis for three days until Butler got back. But of course, Artemis didn't know that. Yet.

Holly heaved a sigh, hands on her petite hips. Where could that annoying little genius be? He had to be here somewhere. She stepped over the threshold of the Fowl estate, holding a letter from Butler that gave her permission to enter the property. She had no wish to lose her magic. Stomping around the entrance hall, she paused in thought. "Now if I were a Mud Boy, where would I be?" Holly murmured, green eyes flashing. Spinning around, she began to search the house for any signs of life.

The bedroom was out. So were the dining room, the kitchen, and Artemis's study. Holly even checked the gym and the pool, but had no luck. Puzzled, she sat on the windowsill, wondering what she could have missed. When nothing came to mind, Holly began to feel the slightest bit worried. Artemis had a nasty habit of attracting trouble like a female troll in mating season. The possibility that something might have happened to him made her blood run cold.

Suddenly, she cocked her head, listening intently. She heard something! It sounded like a voice, and it was coming from the west wing. "Of course!" Holly groaned, face-palming. The west wing was where the showers were. Relieved that Artemis seemed to be okay, her benign thoughts turned to curiosity. What was Artemis doing, talking in the shower? Planning world domination? Speaking to his multiple personalities (Orion included)? Playing with his rubber ducky? Or maybe something worse.

As these possibilities sprung to mind, Holly's eyes lit up with unholy fire as one word reverberated in her brain like the thunderous voice of God.

_Blackmail._

Holly had spent the last some-odd years under Artemis's thumb, forced to go along with his hare-brained schemes and help clean up his messes. Maybe it was time for her to gain the upper hand. The next time the People were in danger, maybe she wouldn't have to bargain for help. She could have some deep, dark, dirty secret on him to insure co-operation. The more Holly thought about it, the better the idea seemed. All she had to do was sneak down the hall and find out what he was saying.

Activating the sound recording device in her omni-sensor, Holly began to slowly creep down the long hallway. She couldn't shield, seeing as the vibration might affect the recording. After all, Holly Short was a fairy who took no chances. Using all her stealth training, Holly crept up to the door where the noise was coming from. Gently pushing the door open a crack, Holly brought the sound to an audible level. And what she heard changed her life forever.

_Every night in my dreams_

_I see you, I feel you_

_That is how the heart will go on_

Artemis Fowl the Second, smartest human on the planet, heir to a crime empire, and the number one nuisance on the People, was in the shower singing "My Heart Will Go On" from the movie Titanic in the most horrible, off-kilter soprano Holly had ever heard. He hadn't even hit a single note so far. The only reason Holly could distinguish the song was she knew the lyrics.

Holly's jaw dropped to the floor. This was not happening. There was no way on Earth this was happening. It just boggled the mind. Every single perception of Artemis Holly ever had had just been smashed into a million pieces. Holly held a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter, face beet red as she doubled over at the waist. It was all she could do to keep quiet. After all, she didn't want to mess with her recording, did she? This thing had become solid gold. Christmas had come early for one elf this year.

Trying to control her wild, all-consuming urge to laugh her head off, Holly could swear she had never been happier. This had officially become the best moment of her life. All the while, Artemis kept screeching on, oblivious to any audience he might have. And yet he continued on, winding up for the grand finale.

"_You're here," _Artemis warbled, hitting the climax of the song, "_There's nothing I fear, and I know that my heart will go on!"_

_Oh Arty, _thought Holly gleefully, _you don't know just how wrong you are. _With evil intent for the audio recording she now held, she turned to leave. However, the condensation of the shower had made the floor damp, causing water to pool beneath Holy's feet. In a heart-stopping moment Holly lost her balance, hitting the floor with a thump.

All noise from the other room immediately stopped. The silence that followed was thick like the steam pouring from the now-open door. "Who's there?" Artemis called from inside, once again sounding like the Irish crime lord he was. "Identify yourself!"

_D'arvit, _Holly thought, climbing to her feet. She had to send this to Foaly before Artemis could catch her and erase the audio. Turning, she ran down the hall, speeding up as she heard sounds of pursuit coming from behind her. Artemis must have gotten out of the shower to chase her. Ignoring the little shiver of pleasure that image sent down her spine, Holly turned the corner and nipped into the storage closet in the hall. In the dark, among the cleaning supplies, she quickly tapped a sequence on her wrist communicator, copying the audio log and sending it to Foaly. Seconds later, Foaly himself popped up her screen, looking peeved and curious at the same time.

"What the hell is this?" Foaly asked crossly, accessing the file on his other computer. Holly looked back at him, panting from her sprint.

"It's your birthday presents for the next century. Don't say I never do anything for you. And make sure it stays safe, I know Artemis can access your computer files," Holly gasped, sitting down on an upended bucket.

"What…" Foaly began to ask, but then the sound began to play and all Foaly could do is listen. His shock-blanked face looked at Holly. "Is this…?" he started, but couldn't seem to be able to go farther.

"Yup," Holly said shortly, the evil grin sliding back on to her face like it had a home there. Foaly looked at her blankly for one more second before bursting into hysterical laughter. He even fell off his modified swivel chair, laughing while all four legs kicked in the air. Holly couldn't help herself, little giggles bursting through as she clamped a hand over her mouth. After all, she probably had a minute before Artemis found her, but a minute was better than ten seconds.

"Oh god," Foaly cackled, rising unsteadily to his feet. "Celine Dion? I had no idea Artemis even listened to that stuff!"

"And his voice!" Holly snickered. "Isn't it awful?"

"I think we have him," Foaly said gleefully, throwing every firewall he knew around that little audio file while simultaneously copying into a disk. He was going to build a separate system for this little file just to keep it safe. "We have him for the rest of his pathetic existence. There's no way you can come back after something like this."

A burst of light cut across Holly's vision, and she blinked frantically. After spending so long in the dark, the sudden light had blinded her. Rubbing her eyes, she blinked frantically to aid the return of her day vision.

"He-hem," cough someone dryly, and Holly froze where she was. She knew that voice. But instead of the cold terror, or even annoyance she usually felt, a slow feeling of triumph and evil humor sparked through her. Squinting as her vision returned she looked up to the cool, blank face of Artemis Fowl staring down at her. He was in nothing but a towel, dripping water onto the floor with his hair a mess, and yet he still managed to look aloof and dignified. The whole façade was wrecked by the small blush that dusted his cheeks. She grinned up at him, looking him straight in the eye.

"Oh, Arty," she said mischievously, grinning her evil grin. "You have no idea how much trouble you're in."

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Well, do you like! Hahahaha, review so you can tell me how messed up that was!


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, I couldn't resist! I just had to make this a Holly/Artemis fic! My beta has been ranting obsessivly about this pairing. Actually, this time I had the chapter beta'd before I posted it (for once). Also, thank you to all the people who reviewed this story. I didn't think there would be so many of you. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the fluffness!

Part Two

The first thing Artemis thought when he opened the closet door and saw Holly's smiling face was _wow, she looks so much more beautiful when she smiles. _The second was _I do believe I am in a lot of trouble. _Artemis had always had confidence in his brain power. After all, he was one of the smartest people in the world, and his IQ had never failed him before. However, he didn't know how he was going to get out of this one. Hearing Holly say it out loud only re-affirmed the opinion that a storm was brewing, one that had danger written all over it. He could see it in Holly's hazel and blue eyes.

There are a couple things not commonly known about the great Artemis Fowl.

_One: _He had absolutely no vocal talent. All his singing skills could fit in a quarter of a teaspoon and still have space left over. Yet like so many other people who knew they couldn't sing he chose to sing anyway. He at least had the sense to do it where it wouldn't be inflicted on other people.

_Two: _Lately with all of his mother's badgering, he had decided that exploring the realm of what normal people did was the lesser of two evils. His wardrobe had expanded to include some more casual clothing, such as t-shirts and jeans. He even subjected himself to small amounts of television and watched a few movies, Titanic being one of them. Another was Avatar, which he had found extremely unlikely and had spent an hour pointing out the technological flaws to an irate Butler.

_Three: _Artemis was a closet romantic. Unbeknownst to anyone, he kept a few paperback romance novels in a secret shelf by his bed. Sometimes, after a tough day of managing his financials he would slip into his rooms and spend a few hours quietly reading his latest love story. It was a secret he intended to take to his grave.

Now, two of his three secrets were out, and if Holly managed to somehow unearth number three he swore he would pack his bags and spend the rest of his life in Holland.

Artemis decided to take the offensive, it would help cover his tracks and give him time to think. "What are you doing in my house?" he asked coolly, staring at Holly with a dispassionate look on his face.

"Delivering pizza," Holly shot back, grinning like a maniac as she sauntered into the hallway. "We make a mean veggie delight."

Artemis was taken aback for a whole half a second before he managed to compose himself. "Really, Holly, this wasn't the best of times to come calling, so if you'll excuse me…"

"Oh no you don't, Arty boy," Holly smirked as Artemis turned to go. Artemis felt his eye twitch. He hated it when anyone but his parents called him Arty. Turning slowly to face her once more he saw she was relaxed, casual blue tank coming un-tucked from her black slacks. Her stance was cocky and confident, one of someone who held all the cards. And right now, she did hold all the cards, and they happened to be a winning hand. He just wasn't ready to acknowledge it yet. She was making it rather difficult not to notice, though.

Artemis sighed, admitting defeat. "An audio recording? Most likely from your com unit on your wrist, I'd wager," he asked, more as a conformation than anything else.

"Right in one," Holly said gleefully, hazel eyes sparkling. Sunlight from a nearby window made her tan skin glow, Artemis noticed, also bringing out the red in her short-cut hair. Mentally slapping himself for even noticing such a thing, he focused to the current situation at hand, which was beginning to feel almost like a hostage negotiation.

"What do you want?" Artemis asked reluctantly, unused to conceding defeat.

Holly seemed to think for a moment, laying a finger on her bow-shaped lips in mock thought. "How about…your soul?" Holly asked, grinning wickedly. "Or maybe a lifetime of servitude? Not that it really matters; it's the same thing anyway."

"You don't skimp your demands, do you Miss Short?" Artemis sighed, frantically trying to decide on a course of action. Abruptly, it land on a plan so outrageous he wondered if it had even come from his mind at all. But it was better than nothing. "Very well, you have me. I shall be your…how did you put it? Oh yes, slave for life. As long as that audio file is in your possession, I am yours."

Holly looked surprised for a moment before the expression melting into one of triumph. Artemis could see her mind working, trying to think of what to do with a lifetime of servitude. He was going to have to act fast, while Holly was distracted. Artemis was suddenly hyper-aware of his current state of dress. He blushed a little, realizing he had nothing but a towel around his waist and that his hair was still wet. But it was now or never. If that audio bite ever found its way to the World Wide Web, he was doomed to die an unpleasant and humiliating death.

Loosing himself in the moment so that he wouldn't lose his nerve, he walked the two steps forward to close the gap with Holly. Grabbing her wrist to trap her with one hand, he used the other to tilt her head up, capturing her lips in a soft kiss. At first, he felt her stiffen in shock, eyes wide and panicked as she gazed upon his face. But after a moment her eyes slid shut and she leaned into him, accepting him as she kissed him back. To Artemis, she tasted of surprise and cherries, and the warmth of her lips felt like fire. Because that's what she had always been; fire that he had been unable to put out. Once he had hated it, and then he had respected it. Now, he reveled in it as he trailed his fingers over her smooth cheek, pale fingers over tan skin.

Yet all the while they were kissing, his fingers had been busy on her wrist.

Holly didn't know what happened. One second she had been contemplating what she could do with a lifetime of servitude, and the next she had looked up to find a towel-clad Artemis in her personal space. She had been about to comment on it when his hand had clamped on to wrist, trapping her. Startled, she felt fingers lift her chin. Holly caught one glimpse of Artemis's coolly intense eyes, looking like Arctic fire before his lips covered hers in a sweet kiss.

One heart beat passed, than another as Holly just stood there and let her brain synapses catch up. Artemis was kissing her. _Artemis _was kissing her. After a moment of extreme panic, she gave in and leaned into the kiss, giving it all she had. As they moved closer, Holly could feel the steamy heat of his body, Artemis still being wet from his shower. To Holly, he tasted of mint and something fierce as his lips melded with hers. She felt warm fingertips ghost down the side of her face, causing what little air she had left to catch in her throat. Running out of air, Holly reluctantly pulled back a little, her cool breath and his warm breath mixing as they their faces lingered an inch from each other.

His mismatched eyes were intense, the passion and humor in them taking Holly aback for a moment. His cheeks were flushed a little, ghosting over his pale skin and bringing a touch of color to his face. The hair that was normally kept impeccably neat was now mussed, wet strands framing his handsome face. It hit Holly in that moment that she was attracted to Artemis Fowl in a bad way. When she had kissed him before it had carried a hint of this, but it was nowhere near as intense as it was now. Even while kissing him she still hadn't fully understood. It had taken her seeing him as he was now, hair messy and wet with his eyes lit up with the heat of the moment, in nothing but a towel, for her make the leap from affection to attraction. But now she had it bad, and the sudden shift of gravity in her conscious threw her for a loop.

As she stood stock still, Artemis pulled away completely, putting some small space between them. In a barely discernable movement he lightly brushed a strand of hair from her face. There was a strange look in his eyes. It was fondness mixed with something else, almost like he was laughing at some joke in his head. Then he smiled, turning a face most called untrustworthy into something she would call handsome before turning and walking away, leaving Holly stock-still in the middle of the hall.

"By the way," Artemis said, turning his head slightly so the sound would travel to her, that same smile still in his eyes, "I'm rather fond of romance novels." Because suddenly he didn't care what she did and didn't know. It didn't really matter at the moment. And then he was gone from Holly's sight, presumably to get some actual clothes on.

Holly was still standing there, wondering how her world had turned upside down, when she heard Foaly calling her on the com-link on her wrist. "Holly," he brayed frantically, "It's gone! I don't know how he did it, but he somehow managed to trace the link from your com through my system and delete the file. Damn it all! Holly? Hey Holly, are you listening?" But Holly found herself, like Artemis, not really caring. She raised a hand to her lips touching them, and then she slowly smiled. Turning around, she walked down the hall opposite the one Artemis had gone down. These three days were going to pass by very fast indeed.

The End :)

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(all the Holly/Artemis fans squeal)

Wellllllll? You like? Review, please!


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